"In Mary Romeo's high school health class, the subject is 'fun things kids can do during their weekends.' Romeo mentions movies, music, theaters, trips to New York. One jock holds up a hand to interrupt her, 'Miss Romeo,' he says, ‘we might as well end this discussion because over the weekend we get drunk, we have as much sex as we can have, and on Monday we come back to school. That’s what we do’”.
Many adults ask, “What has happened to our children’s values?” The answer we have heard from many youths is, “If you want something different, model something different. We learn from you.”
One wise adolescent girl told us, “Adults are always worrying about the values of young people today. If they are really worried about our values, maybe they should try putting elders in our living rooms instead of TV sets. We are learning the values we’re being taught. Our elders today are television sets. One of the biggest problems facing youth today is abandonment. Nobody’s there.”
We recently saw a bumper sticker that relates well to this youth’s concern: “Television: Thief of Time, Thief of Mind.” Many studies have indicated that television violence contributes to youth violence, particularly if the youth liked the violence they were viewing.
“In effect a child begins to ‘store’ the idea of particularly aggressive actions alongside memories of familiar situations that are frustrating. Psychologists call stored patterns ‘algorithms.’… The algorithms for aggression in young children are formed because of the repeated exposure they get to powerful role models who show them how to change things their way through the use of violence”.
Yet the problem of aggression in children can’t be linked solely to television, video games or violent lyrics in music. The problem exists when television is the most compelling role model in the child’s life and/or the actions of caregivers in the child’s life support aggressive behaviour and intolerance.
Children who lack consistent models at home frequently search for them in their extended families or in the broader community: a teacher, policeman, spiritual leader. Many of the bullies we have treated lacked these important mentors. They will find them instead in rock stars, gang leaders, cult leaders or Hollywood antiheroes. The unhealthy role models have increasing influence on the lives of our young people.
Many children today come home to an empty house and spend many hours alone in front of a TV set waiting for an adult caretaker to arrive on the scene. Often the first greeting they receive is criticism for not doing their chores or homework. They are told to be accountable for their behaviour, yet many spend hours listening to their adult caretakers blame each other for what is or isn’t done or maybe for their children’s behaviour. They teach the importance of community, equality and tolerance, but can be overheard gossiping about a neighbour or talking about “bitches” or “queers.” They may be taught the importance of family, yet their family may not eat one meal together all week.
Rather than learning values that support connectedness, interconnectedness and conflict resolution, many children learn values that support aggression, disrespect and “everyone for themselves.” The long road to psychological birth takes eight years. Children take from the outside and bring to the inside teachings about self, people and life. Many wise elders have said, “Before you take an action in your life, turn around. When you take the time to look before you act, you will see the children following you.”
We have heard adult caregivers cautioning their children, “You can’t let yourself be stepped on. You’ve got to fight back. Look out for number one. No one else will.” Many parents discipline their children for fighting with siblings, lecture them against hitting, and yet encourage them to hit a classmate that has bullied them. Another parent might tell a child to care for others and share, and yet cut in front of everyone in the grocery line. The message that is taught is the one that is seen, the example that is set, not the one that is heard.
Many youths have told us that the values they are learning in their families and communities are often ones that lead to competition and aggression rather than connection and cooperation. The following are some convictions that can lead to competition, bullying and aggression, rather than connection and cooperation. Check your own way of life against this list and consider the actions of society at large:
1. I need it right now. Gratification has to happen immediately.
2. Might is right.
3. Don’t get involved.
4. It’s important to beat out the other guy before he gets ahead of you.
5. Get ahead any way you can.
6. Women are objects.
7. Men don’t feel.
8. My beliefs are right and yours are wrong.
9. Aggression is the appropriate way to handle disagreement.
10. Money and objects are more important than relationships.
11. Good guys finish last.
12. You’re not accountable unless you get caught.
13. Money is power. You can get anything you want or solve any problem with enough money.
14. Talk about people, not to people.
15. Blame others for your problems.
16. I can only heard if I talk louder, or show you who’s boss.
17. Childhood is overrated. Grow up fast so that I can get on with my life.
18. Look out for number one.
19. Those are your kids, not my kids.
20. Your problems are none of my concern.
Adapted from Jane Middelton-Moz and Mary Lee Zawadski, 2002, "The Making of a Bully: Their Own Stories" eds., From the Playground to the Boardroom (Deerfield Beach, Florida: Health Communication, Inc), pp. 79-82.
POSTED BY : KONG CHEAH SHIEN
